i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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