Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
