I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize