I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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