He disabled his match.com account in front of me
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
