It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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