I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I need help removing her.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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