Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
