I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
