God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
