thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
