respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize