if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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