Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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