I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
