thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
