I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
