I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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