I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
