I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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