This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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