There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
