Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
