You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize