It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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