the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
