All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
