dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
