this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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