Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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