I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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