just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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