She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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