would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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