Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
