i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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