I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
