Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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