the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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