someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
