Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize