Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
