If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
