I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
