instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
