i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize