John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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