Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So many bounce houses so little time
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
