Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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