We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
