I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
