consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
