she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
