My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
