I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
