I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
