I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
