We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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