I can text with my tongue
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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