dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
