Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We need a shit load of segways right now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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