Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
